We were debating how to bring everyone into the camp
when someone said, there is no one outside the camp tonight,
there is no other, no them, only us – all of us – within.
This from J, maximum security prison, Missouri:
I am quite ashamed of my past. There’s no way I can’t be. And, I repent me mightily of the deeds of my past. I was only 18 when I became incarcerated in Illinois. I was young and scared. The Illinois prisons are quite different from Missouri ones. Illinois has hundreds of gangs and is much more violent . . . Probably because of my poor choices in the past, I am strongly committed now. Please accept my apology.
This from P, on parole from Missouri DOC:
Isolation, fear, suicidal –I was giving up on life.
I had no intention to live — once I got out.
I felt very weak, the officers knew I felt weak so they picked on me, the others picked on me too.
I eat slow so — I never got to eat a whole meal. Horrible food.
It was just horrible, did I say that? I never wanted to go back. My only solution: Suicide.
One thing positive – I had a friend. She would visit me. I never saw my family, maybe once, I had lost a family.
We got out on December 30th. My room mate was dead by January 3rd.
She was half my age.
We measure our grief
One year, two years, twenty.
I am softening to my sadness
In a year of days
I remember I don’t remember every minute.
I want the seconds back
I remember and cry for all
I love the most.
I was married a long time ago. Had three kids. My wife took them and left. Been in and out of treatment programs. Been in jail a few times too. I just couldn’t stay clean.
I died on August 4th. The report reads heart failure, but I died of drug addiction. I hope my children remember the better days.
On the wall of the synagogue was written this: do not give in to despair.
I taught that there was no way around the darkness within, there is only the center. There is always the possibility of moving through, but through the center only. Takes courage.
He asked me
Are you sad today or unhappy?
What’s the difference?
If I feel bad sad or bad unhappy.
With unhappy you are attached to Sadness
With sad you are not attached.
Sad may be the condition of your Existence
We all know people like this.
And often they are great Creators
Or they find a way
To redeem the core of sadness
they build a life of beauty or service.
Many of the old Greeks were like this
Aristophanes never told a joke
Though he created many
So too the Hebrews Akiva was always laughing
Though he was as serious as dirt
About his purpose.
Sadness may be a condition
A response to the nature of things to disappoint.
We all imagine the world better
But with unhappiness
you may be attached to your Version Of Yourself.
Tell a joke
Tell a joke and let me know
You’re pushing through Daily
And you’re neither a fool
Nor are you Numb.